A while back I read this great post from Meagan Francis on a Mother’s Hierarchy of Needs. Meagan tailored Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to motherhood and created the pyramid above. Basic needs are at the bottom and create the foundation for the needs at the top of the pyramid.
I’m on a big push at the moment to finish a manuscript, edit it, get the cover art together and publish it by the beginning of July. It’s about my failed quest to make the Athens 2004 Olympic team written in a hopefully interesting and a touch funny non-fiction style a la Mindy Kaling or David Sedaris (shoot for the top, right?). I had a good run the other week of writing for at least an hour after my son was in bed. My husband has given me chunks of time on the weekends to go to a coffee shop and write.
But in the last few days I’ve lost my momentum. I’ve had an usual number of social engagements in the evening and when I have been home I’ve been watching television (Mad Men is so good right now). I’d rather sit on the couch and chat to my husband than pull out the laptop and pound away on the keyboard.
It feels terrible to be this close to the finish line and feel the project slipping through my fingers.
When I look at the hierarchy of needs above, which works for both my parenting life and a lot of my work life, I can see that I’ve neglected one of my physical needs in the last week. Normally I go to bed by 10:00 pm each night. This last week I’ve had some late nights out and I’ve been going to bed between 11:00pm and midnight.
That hour or two of sleep makes a big difference to my day.
For the next few weeks I have committed to a 10:00 pm bedtime. The only reason I should be up later than that is if I’m writing.
If you’re struggling to pare down change the focus.
I get a lot of comments that people have been trying to pare down for a long time, some of them for over a year, and they’re not making progress. These people are looking for a radical step to help. Recently a long time reader left a comment that she was considering selling her house so that it would force her hand to purge a lot of possessions.
As strange as it may sound, maybe sleep will help more than moving. Maybe taking a closer look at the bottom of your needs pyramid, your health, your financial life, your support system, maybe investing in those needs will translate to time and energy for the top of the pyramid.
Decluttering is a self-actualizing process.
Getting rid of stuff is closer to writing a novel than putting food on the table. If my most basic survival is at stake I’ll do whatever I have to, work any job, sell whatever I need to sell, to eat. However, I’ll put off sorting and donating infant clothing for a multitude of vacant and relaxing activities.
Decluttering takes a level of energy and focus you’re only going to find if you’re taking care of your most basic needs: health, security and relationships.
Has anyone else found this to be true when they’ve tried to simplify areas of their life? I feel like some of our simplifying helped the bottom of the pyramid. When we started to sell things, cut bills and pay off debt we had more energy and less stress. We slept better. Eventually we had a better foundation to tackle one of our more radical ideas for simplifying: going car-less.
Yes!
I’m amazed at how tied-together everything is. How going out late a few nights in a row, maybe drinking a bit and then waking up the next day feeling out of sorts, it throws everything off. I totally understand that quote by Gustave Flaubert: “Be steady and well-ordered in your life so that you can be fierce and original in your work.”
Those “mundane” aspects – sleeping enough, exercising, eating well – are really the foundation for being able to meet the more cerebral, philosophical, life-meaning type goals…it’s weird to think enough sleep is tied to self-actualization, but it really is.
Poor sleep can lead to a minor bad decision, then to rushing, then to forgetting keys, then to saying “yes” when you meant to say no, then to letting company stay too long b/c you don’t have the energy to ask them to leave, etc. etc., then to a late dinner, a cranky kid…and no time to write.
I am with you about the writing thing. I am always back and forth, sometimes focused, other times doing everything but. When I feel myself heading toward something other than writing in my downtime (the internet, TV, husband) I like to keep Steven Pressfield’s quote in mind: “I will never let resistance beat me”.
I’m getting closer and closer to embarking on this journey full force. Great post!
Rachel – Do you get to see your emails via your contact section…I sent you an advice email last week and was curious to your input. Let me know your thoughts or if you did not receive it.
I think you have just summed up my life. There are so many things i want to do at the top of the pyramid but because i am still worrying about some of the things at the bottom i can never find room in my life to do them. Food for thought as they say!
Thank you so much for this post! After I became a mother (what a surprise!), it seemed that I could no longer get ANYTHING done in a day. I realized that I was wasting my energy on things that were irrelevant to my new lifestyle. I tried many times to redefine my priorities, without success. I even tried to write a list of daily duties that I could complete to make myself feel better. The attempt frustrated me because I couldn’t decide which tasks made a person a good woman, mother, and wife. This pyramid makes so much sense to me without being definitive or confining. THANK YOU!!
Ha! It isn’t selling our house it is just the getting away from family. Every time I try to donate something my family members give us heartache and grief about how that was for Granny or Grandpa or made by so and so. BLAH! It is hidden in my master closet causing me stress because we can barely get into our once “walk-in” closet. Any thoughts on how to handle family grief and anger?
Yes, if my basic needs are not met (esp healthy foods and sleep) I totally run on auto-pilot, which doesn’t make for the nicest wife and mom!
This post really hit a nerve. I just started a summer student nursing position with a grueling shift schedule in a rural community in central Alberta. Sleep and eating well were not my priority during my first week and what happened? Nothing got unpacked properly from the move, stacks of dirty laundry and dishes piled up, and I promptly got sick myself. Thanks for reminding me of the importance of self discipline to prevent a stress breakdown – choosing an appropriate bedtime and sticking to it, meal planning, grocery shopping and cooking ahead of time, and being realistic about personal time commitments. Daily I need to refocus on what is truly important and live in a way that reflects that.
I’ve just recently been giving much more focus to my own self-actualization. In the past, I put much more time and energy into my husband and kids self-actualization. Then I realized that I wasn’t taking time out for myself and it was making me a bit resentful toward my family, not good. So, last year, I made a pact with my sister that we would start running, and this spring, I’ve completed a 10 miler, the Tough Mudder, and two 1/2 marathons with a multitude of training runs. I am loving these events and loving how I feel, but I’m not loving how my house looks after a weekend of training and being so tired that I have no energy left. I’m not signed up for another event until August, so I’m going to cut back a bit on the training and focus on really minimizing. I don’t have an abundance of clutter, but I do have more than I need and I’d like to clear it out to make mental space and more time for running.
Wow! Well done on the running and racing. I committed to a half marathon right around my son’s first birthday. It was a great way to find that time just for me. Even if it meant pushing my son in the jogging stroller during my me time. 🙂
i think sometimes i oversimplify. i get bored a lot.
i do think health, family and god are foundation for my happiness.
having financial security relieves a lot of stress.
great post. lot’s to think about.
thanks 🙂
One time my son and I were sitting in my closet during a tornado warning, and I told him that a tornado would take care of my clutter problem! I’ve made progress with selling items at consignment shops and at my garage sale, but after pulling stuff out of closets and drawers, it’s overwhelming to see what is left. I’m getting to know myself better through this process, learning from my mistakes, and trying not to buy any more. My siblings will be here this weekend, so I’m putting our parent’s stuff into the spare room so they can take it if they want it. My kids will be home next month, and I’m going to have them go through the stuff they left here. Now if I can just get my husband to purge his garage and shed and clothes. Sigh.
Sounds like you have a plan! What a great place to start! Focus on your first two tasks – I bet your husband comes around when he walks into your home and feels how “clean and light” it is. My husband has totally embraced minimalism and is now the best partner for tackling clutter that still accumulates in our home.
Hmmmm, I think that decluttering can be as helpful as one hour of sleep. That is, not changing one’s focus, but re-focusing seems to be the answer for me. I have suffered with depression for way too many years, most of them untreated. I am in treatment now, and realizing the damage done by my time of illness (stuff, junk, too much of too much!). Clearing away stuff, junk, clutter, that which was previously impossible to part with, actually helps continue the healing. But I could never tackle the whole house at once. It would be too overwhelming. There are some days when one thing per room works for me. Today, while walking on my treadmill, I noticed a crystal paperweight a client had given me (oh, and I’ve lost my job) just sitting on a shelf in storage. So I thought, I’ll take that up to my craft room and find a place for it. And I have. I have a nook where I can put “goo gaws,” sentimental schlock until the sentiment is released from it. Now I’m pretty sure I’ll keep the Waterford desk set from the client for a very long time because I love it and it’s actually functional. But one thing on Monday is good. Now, in my case, I was able to take up a box of things that came from my office at work, things I know I want in this nook I have just for these types of things. One day at a time.
I enjoy your blog very much – and the comments your readers leave. I admire those who can tackle more at a time, but I’ve learned my limits the hard way! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done my closet – in two different times — I worked until I’d filled a large garbage bag with stuff for charity and stopped, then went back and filled another one. It works for me.
Finding a system that works for you is the key to long term success. I did a huge round of decluttering and then we moved overseas. I was listing stuff on Craigslist for almost six months straight. Now we just do a bit of maintenance every 2-3 months. And, probably the biggest help, we don’t buy as much.
Yes, many times I’ve considered selling my home just so I would be forced to de-clutter.
I think you’re absolutely right. It’s almost as though it’s not actually a pyramid; it’s a circle. For example, I simplified my work, changing from a management role outside the home to working for myself from home, which led to better sleep, more time (and incluination) to eat healthily, and thus fed right on up the pyramid.
Very true, Liz. Nourishing on area allows you to feed another as well.
I know for me less sleep means worse eating. I am much more likely to reach for something sweet in the afternoon if I went to bed at midnight than if I went to bed at ten.
I’m glad you link minimalism and Maslow. There’s still the question if we can even achieve a permanent state of self-actualization, but I believe that focusing on what matters to me, my husband and out small family does contributes to achieving it. When my husband and I gave up our comfortable jobs and embarked onto career changes, people thought we were mad and told us (or implied) that we should be happy that we have well paid jobs and stop following our fancy dreams. Apparently we were too old for that in our mid- 30s! 🙂
I find that when I know what I want and need from life to make me happy, then, and only then I can make changes. Hopefully, being overall happy and contented with our lives enables us to be better partners and parents.
I’m not sure if we can achieve a permanent state of self-actualization either but I am certainly finding more windows of it in the last two years. Focusing on the bottom of the pyramid has certainly helped. I feel more comfort and certainty my health and our finances and ability to live comfortably on less money. I’m also better at asking for help – something I have always struggled with.
Apple – you and your family are such an inspiration. If you ever want to share more of your story here let me know.
🙂 Rachel