One of my many writing projects is a book about how we got out of debt. As I piece together a timeline of numbers and milestones, it’s been interesting to see the process, how it started, how it kept going. How some of the changes we made took a long time. Some of the changes were scary and intimidating and I remember how I often wondered if this was the right path. If we were pushing ourselves and making hard changes that we would soon regret.

It’s also reminded me of how resistant my husband was to some of my more radical ideas in the beginning.

The first response to cutting our $90 a month cable package and selling our DVR was, NO WAY.

Of course, it was hockey season and the Canucks were doing well. And we had a lot of movies stored up on the DVR. Movies that would of cost us a lot to rent. But Movies that were rarely found the time to watch.

Despite the emphatic no from my better half, I had planted a seed. And a few weeks later the topic came up again and he said, maybe after hockey play offs.

Another month passed and by then we decided to just try it out. We would cut the cable and sell our DVR at the end of the playoffs.

We tried it. And we liked it.

Cutting cable set us up for the big one: getting rid of our car.

That was also met with resistance. I showed Chris some spreadsheets, how much the car was costing us in insurance, maintenance and fuel, and what we would save if we sold it, used ZipCar or rented when we needed to and rented out our parking spot. By my calculations we could save several thousand dollars a year plus whatever we got for the car.

Again, the seed was planted and the idea grew.  At some point in the summer we said yes, we were going to try it. It took us a few more months to make it a reality. It’s now been almost two years since we’ve owned a car.

Now I think back and it wasn’t that my husband was resistant, it’s that he needed time to process the change. I’d been sitting with the idea for weeks before I sprang it on him. I was also proposing things that would impact him more than me. I’d spent a lot of time not owning a car. I’d also been without cable for long stretches in my childhood and adulthood.

If he had turned around and asked me to give up meat or to move to the suburbs, I would have had a hard time saying yes immediately.

The last two years have been full of change for us: for my husband even more than for me.

He’s made a dramatic career change and moved overseas.

Despite logging 15 years as a musician that toured through North America he has never lived outside of the Greater Vancouver area.

I did my undergraduate degree in the US and spent four years of my 20′s moving between London, Ontario and Victoria, BC. All of my five siblings have lived in another country or moved cross country. My parents are immigrants. Moving abroad isn’t that strange for my side of the family.

My husband has been exceptionally resilient and exceptionally open minded with all of this change. With me getting rid of our stuff and our car and the cable TV.

Be patient with your spouse and family. I remember so well the manic energy I had for decluttering and cutting our debt and bills in the beginning. I thought about it constantly. I schemed and planned and made goals for the week.

And then I expected my husband to psychically absorb all that planning and reasoning when I told him we needed to get rid of the 85% of his wardrobe he never wore. He didn’t need to hurry up and change, I needed to slow down and be patient.

Anyone else been frustrated with slow change and how long it can take to get family to agree to try new things?

My birthday falls a few days from Christmas. And I am a twin.

Growing up this was what I called the biggest rip-off ever.

Not only was my birthday never celebrated at school because we were already out on winter holidays, but I had to share my day with someone. And often I had to share gifts. And usually we got the exact same gift.

I’m sure a lot of the twin-ness of our gifts had to do with convenience. But I am also sure some if had to do with making sure things were fair.

I hear this a lot from parents and grandparents about gift giving. Need to make sure everyone gets an equal number of gifts. Need to make sure I spend the same amount on each grandchild. Need to make sure that my love is perceived as equal to all.

I am determined not to succumb to this as a parent.

Fair is not equal.

My mother loaned me money so I could pursue my Olympic dream. She took out a second mortgage to make this happen.

Did she take out a second mortgage to help any of my siblings pursue a masters degree? No. They went out and got student loans.

I have four sisters and one brother and we have all been treated fairly but none of us has been treated equally. Some of us needed financial support more than emotional support. Some of us needed a place to live in our twenties and some of us needed someone to cry to.

We all had and still have different levels of resilience in our emotional and financial lives. My mother, who is an amazing woman, responds to each of us individually with what we need from her rather than a carbon copy of support for each of us.

We were all different teenagers requiring different guidance and help. The youngest was at home when the rest of us had flown the nest. I remember being shocked to come home on a break from university and see her get the family car for the evening and $20 to go to the movies. When I was her age I paid for movies out of my babysitting money. I paid for the gas to go to see those movies out of my babysitting money. If I didn’t have it I didn’t go.

But fair is not equal. And my mother giving my sister things I never got does not mean she loves her more or cares for her more.

Stop keeping score.

Now that we’re overseas we don’t get quite the avalanche of gifts for Henry as we did when we lived close to family. Which I am thrilled with.

My mother and mother-in-law still spoil him rotten with boxes of gifts on his birthday and Christmas and the occasional surprise, but he probably gets fewer gifts than his cousins. And that’s just fine.

It doesn’t mean he is less loved or cared for. It does mean I don’t have to go through the toy inventory as often.

I know I still have a young child and I know I still have an only child but I really hope that I can create a family life where every special outing or Matchbox car isn’t written on a scoreboard. I really hope I can give my son what he needs and not always what he wants or thinks is equal to those around him.

Buying in both literally and figuratively to equality in gifts and possessions is a big part of clutter and owning more than you need.

How do you deal with making things fair and equal? If you have more than one child do you find it challenging to not have a tab running of who got what?