Going Gray Gracefully: Why I Stopped Coloring My Hair

Should you keep coloring your hair or let it go grey?

If you colour your hair to cover gray, have you ever considered stopping? I’ve been colouring my hair for twenty years. Until five years ago, around age 35, I mostly coloured because I didn’t like my natural light brown hair colour. Three or four times a year I would get my hair coloured via a big batch of foil highlights. I had some grays coming in as early as my mid-20s but they were pretty sparse and I often plucked them out. But around age 35, soon after the birth of my second child, the gray started coming in much faster. I’ve mostly been low maintenance with my hair so it started to bother me that I felt like I had to colour my hair more frequently. I also changed my hair part because the gray was strongest on the right side of my head.

About eight months ago I decided to stop colouring my hair.

I would love to tell you it was a brave and intentional move to shirk off the patriarchy and the beauty industry. Or a nod to simplifying my life. Instead, it was pretty practical. We moved to a little town in the mountains a whopping six plus hour drive from my favourite stylist. I just couldn’t see myself making it back to the city for hair colour with any regularity. Sure, there are stylists in my little town. But this change felt like as good a reason, or opportunity, as any to quit colouring my hair. So the ‘should I go gray?’ question that I had been asking myself for a few years was answered by moving from a big city to a small town.

It’s been pretty easy to go gray naturally. My hair is probably 30% gray and because I was putting highlights in, rather than full coverage one colour dye, there isn’t a big line in my regrowth. I have a big patch of gray right in my crown and my wispy hair above my ears and near my temples is all gray. Along my forehead framing my face is a slim line of brunette hair that doesn’t have much gray in it. My hair looks multicoloured and patchy but I like it.

One thing that has helped me transition was our move to a small town.

There are many women my age or younger here with beautiful silver hair.

When I first met these women or saw them around town I often did a double take. They were young-ish but had these manes of silver and gray. I did not see a lot of women under fifty embracing their grays in Vancouver and I now realize it skewed how I saw silver hair. As my eyes have adjusted, as I’ve met women who are not colouring their hair to cover gray, it’s seemed much more normal and natural to be in early mid-life with young kids and a whack of silver streaks in my hair.

Reading the book Going Gray: How to Embrace Your Authentic Self with Grace and Style also changed how I viewed colouring my hair. This is a fun read that I highly recommend if you are considering going gray. It’s part memoir part magazine style observations and interviews on the culture/stigma around gray hair for women. She also has tips on going gray gracefully if you are concerned about the awkward grow in phase which can be years for some people. *Carmella over at one of my favourite blogs also has a nice post about how to go gray and some easy strategies she employed to cover her gray as it grew out. You can also see her going gray hairstyle as she calls it.

Is letting your hair go gray a nod to minimalism? 

Maybe. I can see some people making an argument that living with your natural hair colour and avoiding the time and expense of colouring your hair is truly minimalist. But… I’m not that extreme in the minimalism I aim for. I’ve enjoyed having salon born highlights for many years but it felt like time for a change.

Things I am enjoying about going grey gracefully:

The money savings. It was a considerable expense that is nice to remove from our budget. I can’t really say time savings because I really like my stylist and it was always nice to have a catch up with her for a few hours.

Not worrying about my gray. Although I was colouring my hair the gray was growing in fast! I also didn’t get full coverage on my hair so the grays would be peaking through four to six weeks after being at the salon.

I feel like a rebel. Hahahaha. Yes, this feels like a bold choice for me. Why? Because most of my friends colour their hair and if they don’t they aren’t yet going gray. So letting my hair go gray feels like the anti-establishment choice in my circle.

Will I be gray forever? I don’t know. This is actually my second attempt at going gray. The first one was two years ago and it lasted only a few months. I moved from being a highlighted blonde to a brunette with the idea that it was my transition back to my natural colour. Well I liked being a brunette and kept that going for another two years.

I don’t know if this is a permanent break-up with colouring my hair or a temporary one. I can recall my mom letting her hair go gray in her early 40s and a few years later she went back to colouring it and did so right until her late 60s. Who knows! For now I’m enjoying seeing the change and looking forward to that time in the next two or three years (my hair is long) when I finally have all the dye out of my hair.

If you colour your hair to cover gray do you think you will continue to colour it? Do you feel there are social and economic penalties to having gray hair? If you don’t currently have any gray hair do you think you would dye your hair to cover it if you did start graying?

Here are a few more posts on simplifying beauty and health routines:

  • I started letting my hair grow out when I was 58 years old. My hair was about chin length and I made a promise to myself that I would let my true colours come through by the time I was 60. I spoke with a
    very well respected stylist in my city and asked about getting some low lights put in. Basically he said, “Suck it up!”. If you put in the low lights, you’ll have to grow them out too. Just bite the bullet. I’m so glad I did. Now, I have shoulder length grey/silver hair with a few shocks of lighter hair running through that almost look like highlights. I never have to colour my hair again and the best part is that it feels soooo healthy. Not dry and coarse like when I was colouring it. So happy to be grey!!!

  • Hi! I’m 58 and stopped coloring my hair last October. A little background: I have very dark brown hair. My daughter took after my Grandmama instead of me and has what she refers to as mouse brown hair…neither blond nor brown. In eighth grade, I allowed her to color it with one of those wash out colors….and that was the beginning of her journey to become a colorist and stylist for a well known company. I was her guinea pig for a long time, lol! My gray started coming in in my early forties. My hair grows fast and I had to color it every four weeks so as to not have an obvious root line. When menopause hit me at 55, my hair became baby fine so I decided to have my daughter cut it short….a young Audrey Hepburn short. She was all about the short cut but when I suggested that I might like to stop coloring it, she and my husband were both vehemently opposed. My son, on the other hand, told me that I’d rock silver hair. Last October, I asked her to give me a haircut before Thanksgiving….Christmas came and went and she still hadn’t cut it. Well, Easter was coming up, hair still wasn’t cut and I got aggravated. Went into the bathroom, grabbed the clippers and cut it myself! My son came by just as I was finishing and I got him to clip my neckline. He thought it looked awesome with all the silver! I’ve gone into town and gotten unsolicited compliments from complete strangers about my salt and pepper hair! And the number of women who have said that they wished they were brave enough to go gray or that they want to but their families don’t want them to or that they’re afraid it won’t be pretty…..the number is staggering! My husband admitted to me that he was wrong and that I look younger with the salt and pepper hair than when I was coloring it dark brown. All this to say, going grey is a fact of life. You can embrace it or not as you choose. We can age gracefully or fight it every step of the way. I’d rather spend my time, energy and money on other things than chasing the illusion of youth and engaging in a constant battle with Father Time and Mother Nature, lol! A youthful spirit…..that’s what keeps us from looking old!

  • OH this topic is so near and dear to my heart! I wrote a small novel about it on my blog ha ha ha, which i won’t repeat here. i definitely will never go back to coloring – the 20 years I did was more than enough time and because my hair was so dark – i don’t really know if this is actually true but supposedly the dark hair dyes are extra not great for a person. it’s been a rough road. BUT i’m so relieved to be OFF the coloring train. the kicker for me was when i realized I was getting roots seven days after coloring. WHAT??? My hair grows fast. What I really wish so much is that I had never colored, or stopped a lot earlier than I did.

  • I’m 36 and i’ve never dyed my hair. I started going grey quite early and after my first pregnancy, it accelerated. I would say now my hair is probably at least 1/3 grey but not evenly. For a long time, I thought I would probably start dyeing my hair at some point but never got around to it and finally decided that I like my grey hair. Also, i am lazy and i’m sure I would let my roots grow way too much if I dyed my hair. Maybe it’s because I am getting older, but I notice more women in their 30s and 40s letting their hair go grey.
    I agree, it feels a little rebellious to do it. I also think it looks a bit unique and edgy. I think it’s also ok to accept that you won’t be young forever and to not try to look younger (i do think my grey hair makes me look older, but not less beautiful).

  • Since you follow me on Instagram you probably already know most of my story. I debated for years whether I should stop colouring my hair – I only coloured to cover the grey anyway. I was a lazy colourist too – always letting the roots get to a really annoying length. And then I lost all my hair to cancer and knew I wouldn’t colour it again. Not only do I not want to waste my time or money – I never realized my grey would look so good. I wish someone would have told me years ago that I wouldn’t look like an old hag if I let myself go grey. It still kind of shocks people that I have this young face and all this grey hair but I think it makes a statement: that grey doesn’t automatically equal old. Somedays I feel like I look really tired but I would probably look that way (cancer, kids, etc) whether I spent hundreds of dollars every couple months or not.

    • Your grey has been an inspiration to me and one of the reasons I stopped colouring. Your hair looks healthy and shiny and fashionable. I think because I follow you on Instagram another account – going grey – came my way. She looks great too and I deep dived the whole #silversisters tag. My grey is patchy right now but I’m enjoying it. It’s strange but I’m actually rooting for more of it to come in to even out the colour.

  • I have been graying since I was 12. I’m 33 & have lots of gray. I was dying every 2-3 weeks dark brown because my roots were so intense. In January of 2018 I decided to stop dying it brown and let the gray grow. I highlighted it 3 times & cut it shorter to help with the process. I really love seeing my gray come in & am excited to have healthy hair at some point. I do get some stares & some ppl really love it. The grombre instagram has been a huge source of motivation & encouragement.

  • I have never been big on coloring my hair – I had a few brief years where I’d get streaks added in red or all-over reddish-brown, but my hair is so dark it is nearly black so it never looked right. Not to mention I hated the expense of it. When I 29 and pregnant I just… stopped. And since then I’ve gone through a few different hairstyles, from pixie to my current long hair, and never gone back to dyeing. It’s just one more thing on a to-do list to keep up with.

    Every now and then I think about it – I’m nearly 34 and working with women who are older than me but look younger. It’s hard to not think about it sometimes, especially as my greys seem to be multiplying rapidly, but everyone I talk to insists it looks fantastic as-is and that the greys really suit me. So I continue to embrace it and let it go.

  • I’m 40 and I have not started cooking my hair yet, but I’ve been thinking about starting. I don’t like the transition of having some brown and some grey. I think it makes me look tired. I would embrace it more if it went grey all at once.

  • I loved this post! I currently color my hair about every 8 weeks but I have thought about stopping altogether. Would it really be all that bad if I went grey? Could I, find a community of like minded people? Like you i have highlights so I could really start without anyone noticing…. maybe I will try!

  • This is really interesting! I’m 35 and too have been covering my gray with highlights for the last 5-7 years. I feel fortunate that I haven’t had to revert to all-over color since that seems higher maintenance like you mentioned! I think the only thing that would keep me from going gray in the next 3-10 years would be that I don’t feel old enough to have as much gray as I do!

  • This is so timely. I have been colouring my hair ALL colours since I was 14 but since having my second baby, at age 34, I became tired of the maintenance. I also had a high maintenance cut (shaved sides, long top). I’ve since started growing both out.
    I have some greys poking around my temples and I loved them instantly. I love that as I age, as long as I do my best to keep my body healthy, that I am like the seasons; I will change and cool down into earth, becoming more grounded with each year that passes. For my daughters I become a visual metaphor for maturity. As my girls grow up they will see me grow into myself and hopefully I do it well enough that they will be happy in themselves too.
    Gosh, that’s a bit deep for a bit of keratin stuck to my skull, isn’t it?

  • I colored sporadically for years. Then highlights, lowlights….
    Started going gray at 23. I stopped coloring completely when I developed cancer. I radically changed so many things in my life at that time. Less chemicals from dye and perms seemed like a good decision, too. Now I am about 2/3 silver and have had many people and hairdressers ask where I get my hair beautifully highlighted like that! Of course, I smile and say I had it done professionally…by my children!

  • I’m 42 and just started this journey. I thought about it at 40 but was dissuaded by family. I’ve been coloring since I was 18 just for fun but never stopped, now I wish I would have never started. My last dye was 2 months ago and I am happy with the my decision thus far. I would constantly be adding highlights etc. so looking forward to natural highlights.

  • I tried dyeing my hair once, and it made me feel self conscience, I think because it felt wasteful, and like I was covering myself. I have the luxury of being 40 with just some gray. But I also have very dark hair and my fear is that I will look like the Bride of Frankenstein at some point. I am taking it on a morning by morning basis. I am glad to know someone else has had this conversation in their head!

  • I have FOUR great gray hairs that I’m very proud of. I earned them. My girls call them “sparkly”, and I have to agree. They make me smile when I see them in the mirror. I’m keeping them. I haven’t colored my hair for probably 3 years now, and not regularly for closer to 6 or 7. I agree, it feels a little rebellious, and I like that not coloring my hair (along with not wearing makeup) shows my girls there is nothing wrong with the way I look right out of bed.

  • I found my first bright shiny silver hair at 18 – it was well past shoulder length so had been there a while and I figured it meant I’d go grey early, like my Mum, and I’d try out being a blonde without the hassle of bleaching. 43 now and still waiting. There’s a handful of grey and silver mixed in and I’m happy to leave it till it all goes. Fingers crossed more more silver, because it’s so pretty!

  • I’m not going gray yet, but one thing I did to save money on my hair was to cut it short. Very time efficient and I need almost no styling aids. But I think women with their natural grays look very beautiful.

  • Dear Minimalist Mom,
    I too moved to the Kootenays about 8 months ago and decided this was the right time to go grey. I was spending $200 every 4-5 weeks to stay a pure brunette and it just wasn’t worth the cost or my time to spend a full evening at the stylist’s to maintain the old look. I agree it is easier to be comfortable with the natural look in these parts, as I’m not the youngest person around with this look, but unfortunately despite my attempt to ease the grey in with one last balayage of similar coloured highlights…. there is a definite line where the grey starts. Thankfully I mostly work with men and tell myself they won’t notice 😉. I’m definitely enjoying the freedom and can relate to the sense of rebellion! Look forward to your updates in coming months, and kuddo’s to you… don’t think I’d be brave enough to post a pick of my crown… still in denial I suppose!

    • Hello fellow Kootenay-en! When I catch my hair in a mirror at a certain angle it looks like highlights. Other angles and lighting it’s scary. But I’m trying to look at it more to get used to it. Nice to hear you’ve found the same here, that grey hair on women their 30s and 40s is pretty common. Maybe hats for the grow out phase? Good luck!

  • I am 45 and finally stopped dyeing my hair blonde 2 years ago- my hair is actually brown with a tiny bit of silver. I was dyeing my hair since I was 15!! I love the freedom of not worrying about roots! And the money saving is significant! Yay to grays!

  • I was coloring my hair every 2 months to keep the gray covered and it was getting way too dark. I’m normally dirty blonde and it was straight up brown. So I decided 2 years ago to let it grow in and see what I was working with. It grew in this really pretty mixture of silver and blonde. I’m so glad I did it. People ask me if I colored it this way. I have grown to love it!

  • What a good topic! I’m 53. My hair,like yours,started turning gray after my first child (I was 20). Depending on the day, I used to say it was the chaos that was my son that started the whole process (j.k.) I used to color my hair just for something different. I’ve been almost every color except black. I even did a short stint with hot pink bangs and red orange bangs. But then something changed. Maybe it was hormonal, maybe it was body saying no more. My scalp started to itch like crazy,non stop. And then the duration of the color got shorter and shorter. My final coloring was when it completely washed out after 3 days. I had tried previously to go gray, but I wasnt feeling it and went back. But now I had no choice. What REALLY helped was finding a stylist that ADORED gray hair. I realized that was part of the mindset. I always had a stylist convincing me to try the newest color, and oh won’t I look younger/trendy/hot?(OY) I had my hair cut super short – to get most of the color damage out and reveal healthy hair AND to give me a new mindset! I LOVE my gray hair. Its trendy (people PAY to have it gray now!) I get SO many compliments on my hair too. And I LOVE 1)spending less money,2) less worry about my hair, 3) more focus on so many more important things. I think part of the stress is the societal pushiness to be young forever. And Ive never been one to follow the crowd. Be bold, be fierce, be a REBEL….GO GRAY! 🙂

  • I think it’s interesting that you tried linking going gray to minimalism – I completely think it is – and I never really thought about it. I am 27 years old and do not have any grays yet – but my sister who is 39 does and she has not embraced the fact she is going gray yet. I think gray is beautiful and I hope it comes through for you fully so you can enjoy it!

  • Well, I sorta gave up on modern hair about the same time I gave up on modern consumerism – ie: I haven’t cut my hair since I graduated from college nearly 30 years ago. OK – not exactly true, I do whack off the split ends every now and then if they get particularly horrible, but since I went “no poo” 10 years ago they don’t get so bad. I’m told that red heads don’t go gray – we go white. And that’s certainly what I remember my grandmother’s hair doing. My mother’s hair went from red to brown after she had kids, but at age 51 I’m child free and still have my original hair color.

    Anyhow, I applaud your decision – and I have no plans to color (or henna – which is often the choice for redheads) my hair if and when it does start to change. I just think that women who embrace natural hair look better. My idol for aging hair is Jane Goodall. I love how she continues to wear it pulled back in a simple pony tail. I think she looks beautiful, natural, and unassuming.

    • Oh, I need a hair idol! I’ve been following a gray hair instagram account so maybe I will find it there.
      Thanks, as always, for sharing your perspective. You may just be my longest commenting reader!!! Love it. You always have such great insight and stories.

  • I decided to embrace my grays a few months ago and did a big chop to go with my new look. I have A LOT of grays for my age!

    3 weeks ago, I was at a family wedding and 2 different young men in their thirties called me “mom”. (In my culture, it’s a sign of respect not to call older women by name. Depending on what you think the age gap is, you either call them sister, aunty, mum or grandma. Them calling me “mom” was signifying that they think I’m old enough to be their mother. I’m only 41!)

    I confess, my vanity couldn’t handle this and when I got home, the bottle of dye came out.

    • Hahaha. That’s the nice thing about this: you can change your mind at any time. We live in a small town now and the parents are much younger on average than my husband and I. I have a feeling at some point we will be mistaken for grandparents of our own kids. C’est la vie!

  • With very few experiments in my 20s-40, I did not color my hair. I never wanted to be hostage to line of regrowth. Also, my hair is black and curly and the time/expense was never worth it to me. I do however, splurge on haircuts because I only started liking my hair after going to trained “curly” stylists. I was getting white hair in my 20’s, but not of any great quantity until my late 30’s. I’m not as concerned with looking older as I am with looking like I don’t maintain my appearance (I am pretty casual and don’t like wearing a lot of make-up.) I know it annoys my mom (who always colored her hair and would be silver if she didn’t keep up with coloring it) that I don’t color my hair.

    My white hair (not gray) is quite obvious against my black hair. If I ever change my mind I can color it. But gray hair is harder to color and I’ve decided to think them as highlights.

  • I decided to leave my hair natural in my late 40s, aiming to have it grown out by my 50th, in fact, it was a year quicker than I expected. My dark brown hair got to the point where it needed retouching for a lot of money every 3-4 weeks and the chemicals made my scalp itch, which can’t be good. At the time, I wore my hair in a chin-length cut and it’s very wavy, partly curly. At 53, it’s now waist length and I love having long hair again, even if it sheds quite a bit (and my kids are grown up, but I have four young grandkids!). It’s white around my face and temples fairly far back but the main length just has silver strands all through the dark. I call it my silver linings and I think my long curls are pretty, shot through with the silver 🙂 Some people frown on my choice and the length is unusual, but I care less in my 50s what others think. I like wearing pretty colours and styles that aren’t all scandi-neutral but at least I don’t look like everyone else +++

  • I am gracefully going gray. I love that it is now throughout my hair and get many comments on how nice it looks. I like the convenience of easy care and I don’t think I could stand the expense of having it colored every six weeks. Enjoy the natural look; I too look at it as rebelling against the current culture and being a little different than others in the early forties age range.

    • Thank you 🙂 My husband likes my ‘free’ highlights and says they look great. I’ve always liked his gray so why did I ever think he wouldn’t like my natural hair colour?

  • I’m not going gray, my hair coming in is white. I won’t be dying it to cover it up. I like the way the white hairs look mixed in with my red hair. My Grandad on my Mom’s side had a beautiful head of thick wavy white and silver hair. That’s what I’m hoping mine does since I’ve already got the thick and wavy part.

    • Sounds beautiful. Since my mom grew all of the dye out of her hair she has beautiful glowing white hair and it looks amazing. She’s a very young 72 and looks fabulous. It’s nice to have a #hairgoals family role model around 🙂

  • I’m 42 and haven’t colored my hair from since my first pregnancy at 31. I used to dye my hair as I had a few greys as well as wanting my hair to have this glowing jet black color. I now have quite a lot of greys, but they don’t bother me at all. Strangely they seem to bother my Asian family more, but I don’t care. I like it that it’s very low cost and maintenance, and that I don’t have to use chemical that may not be good for myself as well as the environment. I do live in a small town in Switzerland and I believe here people like many things to stay natural, including my aging hair!

  • I decided a long time ago (early twenties) to let my hair colour be what it is. No judgement for those who love colouring their hair but I was rebelling against this feeling that I was supposed to cover up a sign of getting older. I’m only 45 years old but I’ve already done a lot of things and have a wealth of knowledge and information and experience. I respect people older than me for those reasons and I think that gray/white hair is a sign of those things. That’s my reason and I’m sticking to it 🙂

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